pakdoktergolfblog: On Being a Father....

Pakdokter comes from a very big family of 11 siblings ( typical family sizes of those days) - so pakdokter's father had very little time for us. His life was devoted to working and earning enough to feed the dozen or so members of the family at all time. As a son, pakdokter spoke little to him and vice versa and pakdokter must admit that pakdokter knows little about him.

Pakdokter became a father when pakdokter was already 31 years old. That was because it took so many years for pakdokter to become a doctor, then another few years to pursue a specialist degree before pakdokter felt ready to start a family. On this "Father's Day" weekend, pakdokter was moved to examine pakdokter's own memories, thoughts and feelings about what it was and is like to be a father...And pakdokter has jotted them down here so that some day pakdokter's children and perhaps grandchildren may chance upon reading them and getting to know pakdokter a little....

one of the earliest family potrait...

a weekend at the Fraser's Hill

Raena's first birthday...?

Memories of the birth of Rastam were somehow and somewhat 'a blur.' Whereas of Raena, pakdokter remembers taking home the placenta from the hospital and burying it in the front lawn of the house. Apparently, for sons, their placentae were supposed to be buried at the back lawn or garden of the house so that in future they would not leave home but stay back and look after their parents. For the daughters, their placentae were supposed to be buried in the front lawn so that they will be 'sighted' and taken away in marriage.....( as to where on earth did pakdokter acquire these beliefs, only God knows, or maybe from one of pakdokter's many sisters - and as to whether they are correct or not - that remains to be seen..)

When Rastam was born, pakdokter was just starting up the private practice and life was hard. Pakdokter worked seven days a week and for very long hours each day. When pakdokter left home in the morning for work, Rastam would still be in bed and when pakdokter returned home in the evening he would already have gone to sleep! So pakdokter had very little time with him and perhaps this must be the reason why pakdokter's memories of Rastam's early years have remained a blur. Luckily for him, he had doting and indulgent grandparents.

Pakdokter remembers the first break and holidays that pakdokter took after a year or so of having started the private practice. It was a 'Reliance packaged holidays' to Japan. Pakdokter felt so sad and guilty about that holiday because instead of spending time with Rastam pakdokter had left him behind with his grandparents. ( Pakdokter wonders if pakdokter's partner had noticed that pakdokter had shed tears during that journey out...and who says men don't cry!) And ever since that first trip out, pakdokter's children had always been included in almost all of pakdokter's trips locally or overseas. Because of this, both pakdokter's children have widely travelled to many parts of the world from very young age and pakdokter would not hesitate to say that 'family travel' is the hallmark of pakdokter's family experience.

Pakdokter also enjoyed the many Sunday mornings pakdokter spent with the children at the Lake Gardens - 'lepaking' on straw mats watching them and their friends run around - and 'picnicking' on tuna sandwiches or 'nasi lemak bungkus' (courtesy of Dollah and Sandra from Subang Jaya) washed down by chilled cans of Anchor or bottles of Reisling or Chardonnay brought in a Coleman cooler box..). Later when pakdokter built a swimming pool in pakdokter's garden, these Sunday picnics became regular Sunday morning barbeques of chicken, lamb chops, burgers or satays as the children as well as their parents enjoyed the 'splashes' in the swimming pool.

Rastam was closer to his grandparents ( especially Mum - his grandmother) and to pakdokter's partner than to pakdokter. One reason, perhaps, was the fact that pakdokter had very little time with him during the first few years of his life. And boys, for whatever reason, also appear to pakdokter to be closer to their mother and the opposite for girls who appear to become closer to their father ( Maybe there is some truth to the Freudian theories of Oedipal and Electra complexes). And pakdokter cannot forget how one day after some sibling dispute between them, Rastam told pakdokter that he felt pakdokter loved Raena more than him......Even as a psychiatrist, pakdokter was left speechless by that allegation......

Pakdokter doubts if pakdokter's father ever had to deal with such an issue....

Rastam was always a very good student - always scoring a near 100% marks in every test and exam paper that he took. But Bib, his grandfather, a great and successful surgeon - whose acceptable standard was only 'perfect scores' - at one point became a source of stress to the poor young boy. One day, when Rastam came home with a score of slightly less than 100%, Bib went on and on at him on how he 'could have' and 'should have' scored a 100% marks! Seeing Rastam being so unduly 'stressed' - pakdokter had to intervene and told Bib that he was not being fair to his grandson because he had actually done very well. Pakdokter told Bib that Rastam should be commended instead of being reminded of the little 'misses and errors'. Bib was probably insulted by pakdokter and being a person with a 'short fuse' he retorted to say that he was trying to inculcate an attitude of the highest standard for Rastam and added on that pakdokter should not believe too much in the 'mumbo jumbo' of psychology! And that was 'too much' - for pakdokter that was hitting below the belt! Pakdokter told Bib that if Rastam were to 'succumb' to the stress he was subjecting him to, pakdokter was most likely to be the one to 'outlive' him (Bib) and would be the one left to deal with the problem created! Bib stood up and walked out of pakdokter's house saying he would never step into pakdokter's house anymore......

The grandparents daily visit to the house stopped. But 'love' finally overcame all anger and insult. The mediation of 'Mum' the other doting grandparent also helped. It took two weeks before Bib apologised for his 'un-called for' comment on pakdokter's profession ( although he insisted he did not remember making such a comment). It was never pakdokter's intention to hurt Bib's feelings and it was furthest from pakdokter's mind to have ever wished to be rude to Bib. But pakdokter felt that as a father pakdokter had to make a statement and pakdokter's children should know that in the most difficult of situations pakdokter will be there for them. And in the end we both hugged and apologised for our hurtful exchanges.....and our relationship ( pakdokter and Bib) went on to become closer and stronger....( Well, an examination of pakdokter's relationship to Bib - another father figure in pakdokter's life - would one day also be one of pakdokter's contemplation and a subject for writing in this blog).

Making these notes made pakdokter realise how 'emotional' pakdokter actually is. As pakdokter had written earlier ( in this blog some time last year) , pakdokter disliked going to the boarding school as that deprived pakdokter of family life at a very young age. Pakdokter 'cried' every trip to school after the term break up until Form 3 or 4! And that 'seperation unpleasantness' is even still evident nowadays. Every time pakdokter left Tokyo or Edinburgh where pakdokter's children now reside, pakdokter could not help but still feel choked with the hollow sadness of seperation.

Pakdokter's children have now both grown up, have now both accomplished good education and have now to live their own lives. As a father, pakdokter has to let go of them....

The pictures below help to remind pakdokter of the many good and happy times spent with them.